4Shoes 'BOOKENDS'; Morgan Horses

4Shoes 'BOOKENDS'; Morgan Horses
“Hold fast to dreams, For if dreams die, Life is a broken-winged bird, That cannot fly.” ~Langston Hughes *pictured: '4Shoes Bookends'

Friday, 1 December 2017

Bleeding Joy

Our nephew, Sandals, has been in a coma now for 91 days; I can't begin to tell you how much more emotionally difficult it is to deal with this extended period of grieving than I have known sudden grief to be.
Had this sweet boy just died on the day that car smashed into him, or sometime in the early days after, we would all be moving (at our own paces of course, but moving) through the stages of grief & coming to grips with loss.


This is completely different. 
Extended grief is more like a wound that will not close...
 Open, raw, & slowly oozing the blood of joy from the soul.
I imagine that anyone who has had a loved one linger on has also felt something like this.


Did you know that some comatose patients open their eyes?
That their eyes will move?
When you pray so hard for it to be true, it can be very easy to convince yourself that open eyes mean seeing. Maybe even comprehension.
That there is some remnant of the person that you love behind those eyes.


But when four separate medical teams in 2 different provinces & three different hospitals tell you clearly & repeatedly that it is not so - that there is no chance of any improvement, let alone recovery...

Yet, his parents are not ready to let him go.
And so we all wait, slowly bleeding joy.

Billie Holiday - I'll Be Seeing You (1944)

20 comments:

  1. So sorry that everyone is in such a difficult space. What a horrible choice to have to make.

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    1. Being pragmatic, there is not really a choice so much as there is a foregone conclusion.

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  2. This is such a sad situation. I can understand how heartbreaking it is for his parents to decide what to do. I feel for your family and the grief you are all dealing with.

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    1. They are making a decision by making no decision. The kid has had pneumonia 3 times and now has the flu. Sooner or later, his body will succumb -- but in the meantime, he suffers, they suffer, we all suffer.

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  3. That is so heartbreaking. Prayers for some courage and strength.

    I totally understand, I've been watching for a year now, my grandma slowly slipping away. Last weekend she was so out of it and I'm just waiting for her to slip away.

    While it's hard to see them like that, keep doing it, because some part of me still says they hear and feel your presence still and it will help you in the long run for closure when he is gone.

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    1. Prayers indeed. I think there may have been more heartfelt prayers this month than in some lifetimes.
      Sorry about your Grandma Heather, truly. <3

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  4. Miracles do happen. Hope is all we have. So sorry for the heartbreak, Mrs Shoes. Prayers for you and your family.

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    1. We have been told plainly that he is past the point of miracles, multiple times already. All the parts of his brain that made him who he was have been irreparably damaged. Even his involuntary functions are shot - such as body temperature regulation, speed of heartbeat, even swallowing. When there is no more reasonable basis for hope, reality must be faced. By not letting him go, they torture the child & themselves. And all the rest of us too.

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  5. This is so horrible. My heart breaks for you and your family.

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    1. It really is so terribly horrible; I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

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  6. We have had this discussion in our family and actually wrote out our wishes for our end of life ... no machinery...no heroics. How sad this is.

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    1. I think this kind of discussion is very wise.
      Sadly, everyone single person in our family KNOWS what this child would want BECAUSE he was a daredevil and he literally said (many times) that he "would not want to live as a vegetable". We all know what he would want, everyone has ADMITTED they know what he would want.... yet here we are, daily bleeding joy as we watch that active boy lay motionless and dull.

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  7. Thats so sad. Hard to let him go but sure would be better in the long run, for him and everyone else.

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    1. It is perhaps the saddest thing I've ever known.

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  8. Dear Mrs Shoes twice I was in a same situation and thanks to my brother my father and sister had not to suffer. Also a big Thank you to my mother who has a great respect for life and decided fast and wise. There is truly nothing left or no one there if you read a little bit about our brain this is easy to understand. I feel very sorry for you and the ones who suffer with you.

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    1. I cannot imagine having to go through this twice - I'm so sorry for that pain for you, my dear friend Sabine. Thank you for your words which comfort me.

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  9. I can't even imagine the excruciating pain, for all concerned. Life (and death) is SO damn hard...

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  10. The place in between—you can’t grieve, you can’t move forward, but you have no hope either. You did a good job explaining it in your post. His parents must be nurturing some hope when he opens his eyes like that, which would make it so hard to have to make the decision to let go. I don’t think I could do it. I pray that decision is somehow made easier for them and that you’re able to heal and find your joy again.

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    1. The place in between - I like that description Linda, thank you.

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